“I love you.” These three words are the most powerful ones that any human being can say to another person. I have had my moments where I thought that I really loved somebody. That feeling of wanting to protect and care about that special someone is the dream of any eighteen-year-old guy. I never wanted to be the person who regretted words that were left unsaid. Sometimes, I wondered whether if it would be better if I didn’t say anything at all.

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My plan was pretty straightforward as I intended not to fall in love before the age of 32 simply because of the fact that I did not have the time to allocate for a girlfriend as I needed to focus on my academic and extracurricular activities. Unfortunately, my grand plan was derailed when I embarked on a delegation trip to three countries with strangers who would soon become like family to me.

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Laying my eyes on her for the first time in Singapore was remarkable. I could not explain the feeling that I had towards her at that moment. Was it fear? Elation? My number one objective was to pay attention and bring the concepts that I had learned throughout this delegation journey back home to Malaysia, but the feeling was too hard to bear.

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Anyone can confess their love to someone else. But whether they actually dedicate themselves to the feelings that they have is a completely different story. Telling Nguyen that I liked her was possibly one of the stupidest things that I could have done during the trip as we had become good friends during the delegation. But seeing her with someone else, talking and laughing, was difficult. I couldn’t stand the sight of her with someone else despite our relationship not having started yet. Jealousy corrupted my soul and at one moment I choked. My mind was dizzy beyond contempt. I felt like throwing up. Friends thought that I was sick but was I really? Deep inside I knew that this feeling would soon end up being more painful than joyful.

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I pretended to be cool. Luck was on my side as Nguyen was seated next to me on our flight to Bangkok.  We sat together throughout the flight to Bangkok and listened to love songs. I forgot about every single thing in the world because at that special moment I felt peace and sincerity. We were getting closer by the day and on our last flight to Jakarta, we sat together again. This time I expressed my feelings for her and we talked for hours. Nguyen lived almost 2000 kilometers away from my homeland and she wondered how our relationship would survive. I told her that I would try my best to find a way to make it work!

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As we touched down in Jakarta, my friends kept teasing me about a new, beautiful delegate, Jessie, who would be joining on us and told me not to change my heart. The realization of this joke was unparalleled to the feelings that I had for Nguyen. When I met the new delegate, sure she was beautiful, but my heart remained unchanged.

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Nguyen was actually four years older but I didn’t care. After my confession of love, she lent me her favorite book and told me to take care of it. I felt happy because we had established a more stable connection with that book. Sadly, stupid me lost the book on the next day! My entire world felt like it had been set on fire, extinguished and tossed into the flames once more! But I felt more positive after I had a chat with Jessie. The more we chatted, the more I realized that we had a lot in common. We started to sit together for the rest of the trip, in the van and in the restaurants. Movies, music and faith were the key components binding us together in an ever-strengthening relationship. Her culture was fond of laying their heads on other people’s shoulders to show friendliness. So, I lay my head on her shoulder as a gesture of friendship. That doesn’t mean that there was anything going on, right?

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Unfortunately, this caused my relationship with Nguyen to take a turn for the worse. I sometimes shared ice cream with Jessie or bailed on the group to head to the shopping mall. My friends began to suspect that we were having ‘a relationship’ despite my vehement denials.   

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On the last day, Jessie and I decided to head to the shopping mall for a food adventure. Too much food caused her to have an upset stomach just as we were all sitting down together at a restaurant. Being the gentlemen that I am, I stood up and offered to walk her home. Looking over my shoulder, I could see the look of displeasure on my friends’ faces, including Nguyen, but for once, I didn’t care how people looked at me. Nguyen should know me well enough to trust me.

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When we got back, I looked her straight in the eye and said, “I love you, not like how people think, but like a sister.” Jessie understood. Now I had to decide if I really wanted to be with Nguyen.  

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